August 28, 2024 late pm

“ I remember this .....

I was going to the high computer literacy class

A class that I despise 

A class that I dread

I go and sit but .....

It was the last time I sit for all of eternity 

As I sit  out taking a breath

I don't feel my heart beat 

I was sitting lifeless  in my chair

Some of the students noticed that I was not doing 

Anything 

The teacher was calling 911 as he noticed that I was not breathing as I just sit there limp

It feels like I was locked in my dead body, my soul that was!

I cannot enter the spirit world and as I try to enter. The realm

I am just at the borderlands 

I wish I could move but I could not 

Soon they realized what I already know 

That I was dead and in limbo!  As they realized this they call

The medical examiner instead

Because I ain't breathing 

Then I was taking to the morgue

As the drive I scream 

"It's the fucking classes that caused my death

The fucking stress and boredom

The fact that I was deciding to break free!"

But what the does the driver say nothing  as I try to be heard!

I am processed and borough in for autopsy

The medical examiner said this ....

"Who do we have here today!"

She looks at my papers and said my full name

Elena Melanson

Before she could get the scalpel I tell physically make sounds

Telling her he exact cause of death 

"It was that fucking computer lit class

That killed me, it borded and 

Stressed me to death!"   

She finds this remarkable that I would be able to talk with

My own voice

Then for the last time my soul hits the boarder lands

And goes right to the spirit world

And that was when my body went limp for the last time

Had I found peace?  

I am from dearh's cold grip and I find that I am 

In a perpetual summer with 

Wild followers all over the place 

It seems peaceful and I go to the light

I am at peace!”

I finally recovered from my memories the poem that I wrote in high school.    That being said I found just the inspiration to the poem to  be found when I least expected it!  But then I was interrupted by going to a movie the boarder lands!  It was like a mad max film and it was going well it was a very good fucking movie to me it was very colourful and it was placed in a desert planet called pandora which was good thank you!

 That being said I was having a good day until it was time to go to the work as there was a burst tire and it was more than flat!  That kinda pissed me off as I was going to work that is the only thing I have to stay away from  set, who will not be quite.   Lets says that he likes to ask too too many question!  I can’t sand set to be honest with you….some time I can handle it sometimes I can’t!  I don’t like the constant questions, not the person I should say!  I remember one other person who bugged me to this existent and it is usually someone I meet on a Facebook dating or other dating app, who won’t shut the fuck up…..more often then not it’s a he not she when asking to much questions!  I hate constantly being asked questions! I tell set that I don’t want to deal with him or don’t talk to him!  Usually I have to say “I am not talking to you!”or I just start ignoring him and I wish some people would ignore this ass for he would nit even say hello,  it is just the questions!

Well anyway they the flat tire was what pissed me off and when I got to work, which is my solace from this ass! It was cut short as I was deal with negative emotions and one he starts asking instead of hello he asked it puts me in a bad really bad mood!  I let’s say that I have an eversation to interrogation as that was what I was threatened with interrogation as a teenager many times in my life as one question and I will literally put someone in a coma!

This might be my polarized thinking as I don’t like certain people, as some people are just horrible people! The last person who did this I called him a certified psychopath! Because he was acting like it!  That was 3 years ago, and I trying to bite my tounge as I don’t want to lose a fight that I did not start!  It has happened in the past were I was caught as the aggressor but I was defending my self!  I was dealing with to much with the bullying that I became aggressive to half the people on the planet!  There are good people who don’t runaround the wrong way but then there are those who will rub you the wrong way…..those are the evil and assining!  I don’t know  why but it was like that before my ptsd was aggravated and triggered!

I was hailed as good judge of character as a kid and young adult!  That being said that is why I am able to make it to the age that I am in now!  

August 22, 2024 late pm

 Sorry I was not able to write as I was fighting pink eye for the  most part of my week!   The ointment they gave me was almost obstructive to my writing!  So that being said I just started writing a few days ago as I was finished the ointment and not having to deal with this annoying disease for any longer!  My eyeballs changed from saw movies red to the way the universe intended them to be in the first place= white!  That being said I haven’t been able to take very many photos and up until today!  The slowly app was doing a #stampsunlocked thing on there Instagram and such and when to take a picture of my inukshuk  like cairn and started talking pictures of it with me and my phone showing a stamp with the inukshuk and  then this happened!  I got a prize  were I was able to spend 200 coins on the app!   

“ Slowly lets you meet pen pals from your smartphone! Match with someone that shares your passion, write a letter and collect stamps from around the world. Speak your mind – one letter at a time!”

From the apps site slowly!  I am happy that one of my proudest achievements of the month other than 10 books in the Watty’s!  That being said I was also too busy with my creative stuff to doing very much as this was how I keep my self from plucking my eye out!  I know but it was that bad and assigning!  To be honest I hope I don’t get pink eye again!  But there is all ways that chance on the being a repeated in the hopeful the distant future!   We all now what pink was so I don’t have to spell it out for you!   But I could do very much!  Until today…..I finally got to my penpal letters on slowly and get caught on other things like the slowly photo contest!  It was very interesting to get the 200 coins get my favourite stamp deck (the moon phases and modify my avatar!  That being said. This what it looks now!  A pretty zombie what you don’t find!  Let’s just say that Halloween is not a day but a life style for me!

That being said I am kinda of zombie as I should be dead 50 times over but refuse to quit!  That being said I also was a zombie  bride for Halloween one year that being said it was interesting but he fake blood ruined my clothing that day but it was interesting!  I have been interested in face and  sfx make for the longest time!   Also I found that I was planning to get my seventh tattoo in a month from tomorrow whic will be interesting!  So I was busy with that when I was dealing with stuff!  It’s Melvin Yang Yang something that I wanted to see was a melting yang and then I saw it and said that would look good on me then I ended up adding some cracks to it to look like it was shattered. It was kind of interesting. I’ll be very interesting and how will look when I receiving the tattoo that being said, I’m very interested in need to see what this will look like I said they already right yeah ! I’m also hoping to get a septum but actually the nostril done and be done with that for a while. It’s very interesting to see where my ancestry and my creativity will take me in many different forms and different forms and stuff like that particularly the idea of tattoos, my people Siberians central Asians were the first people one of the first people that created the tattoo, the rest of the Hawaiian Asians and native indigenous Americans that being said is very interesting that this has been brought up many times not just when I deep dive my ancestry, but also when I decided to look up tattoos, the first tattoo was the snow maiden tattoo!  Which looks like a fucked up cloud deer…..no offense to my people!  But it does look odd!   I am hoping to get that one day for my 8th tattoo and be go with that!  Unless the artists have a flash sale (I love those)! A flash sale is basically where you end up getting a random tattoo from a random selection of designs that the artist creates and you pick one that suits you and you end up with that particular one is very interesting. Indeed I did one last year. It was interesting so I decided to do it again this year!

Also I am saving for the blues fest, an annual music festival in Ottawa, where I live to see if they have good artists playing there too!  I always wanted to do a concert but my brother Ryan fucked up my chance to see iron maiden which pisses me off!  I know what was more infuriating- his dead or the fact that I can’t see my favourite band soo they are equally assigning for me!  So I rather not talk to much about that as I angers me!  Let’s say I was dealing with a lot of disappointment and betrayal for the most of my life….it was anger inducing……..I am just learning to find my balance again!  I want to be able to be balanced again one day!  But I never thought that have the shit in my life would happen in the first place!  I was not a happy child though I had some positive memories and stuff but the emotions were shit!  That being said I remember more of the emotions I felt than the good memory that cause positivity emotions like going to vacation and stuff!  That is all small to me because of most of the stupid shit that went on!  That being said I found that my time at my group home was a better and more beautiful fit then anything else!  I am proud to say the my friends or my relatives, were my adoptive relatives are pierces of shit!  That was the honest truth!  My aunt is a sociopath, my brothers assholes and psychopaths as well as narcissistic!  I did not like the idea of going to these “people” in the first place!  So I rather night deal with them to be honest!

Actually I am happy were I am not talking to my ‘relatives’ and just being able to be my self!  I am not show if I deal with real people before coming to the group home actually…..I had fake friends, fake family and the last time I talked to my ‘brother’ I was shluffed off like dry skin….which is fucking rude that will be the last time he will talk to me!   I don’t have physical pain response because of the genetics and the fact that the emotional pain is worse the physical pain!  Even the pink eyes was better then taking to my mother!    I would rather not deal with germ nor relative from adoptive family because both irritate me!  A least you can clean germs but you can not clean yourself of the memories!   As my friend said about PTSD was that her brain was lying to her…it was doing the same thing for me for fucking years!  The idea that one terror attack was the catalyst in my brain lying to me and causing the fucked up memories I thought were fiction but was not!  Pretty scarry to be 12 and feel that kind of fear! When the source of the fear was not there to begin with!  For one I thought I was developing schizophrenia at one point in my mental health journey!    Also I am the or one of the voices for kids mental health  as everything I experienced someone else is possible suffering from too! 

The anger and the fear and the said and the pain can be worse then it’s physical counterparts!

August 19, 2024 a.m.

I promised some people that  I would not defame this brat’s name any more but I had a dream where I was forced by my ex to be back with him and to be back in the special Olympics as this would obviously would scare me more then anything in real life! I have been through a lot in my life that should shake me up but this this was bad it tore me from a deeply sleep I am still shaking at the thought of the night mare I had.  This was there worst night mare I had that I don’t think was PTSD related unless cheating bastard a traumatic and I think they are in some ways.  Some people think this shit of relationship had fissled out but really it was because he concealed the fact that he was having an affair with someone and failed to tell me which is the equivalent of cheating!   I don’t want to be in the special Olympics again to be complete honest as long as he is there I can’t!  This mean son of a bitch ruined my summer and I am not going to deal with it every again…..yeah that awful that it warranted a night mare and I am not going to waste a therapists time on this sack of shit!  No, no, no! If you think a relationship fizzled out then I think it must’ve fizzled out because of cheating because that’s exactly what had happened. I know that sounds silly and exaggerated, but that basically is what I had a deal with and I had a dream when I was forced back into the relationship with this guy back By the same jackass that being said, it was pretty bad to be honest with you!

All the nightmares I could’ve had this is the one that really gone through me because it was too realistic for my taste even for my PTSD nightmares this one takes a cake. Honestly, I’ve never been so afraid that I would be back with someone I despised to be honest with you and don’t wanna ever see again! That being said I tried to be in the relationship With this bundle of shit to be honest with you, but I couldn’t handle it anymore. After what he did that being said I had to get away from the Special Olympics and it looks like I’ll have to stay away from it for as long as I’ll be having this nightmare I don’t plan having it ever again, but it looks like this is what it is a very scary situation I’m afraid that this will be a possibility and I’m afraid that he’s going to  do something worse that cheat on me!  That being said I don’t wanna have to waste a perfectly good therapist sway at time on this sack of shit!   Is it the spooky season, I don’t know for sure but it was a spooky dream that I wish not to have again! As I said the worst PTSD nightmare couldn’t even shake me from the sleep that I have but for this dream to stir me from my sleep it was bad! BAD!   The fuck I will end up in a relationship with this jerk again!  To be honest t I rather have the flu!  And that is saying something!

The last time I had a flu it was let’s say very trippy and I thought I was on something for sure as I was having visions and hallucinations that were not exactly pleasant, but we’re enlightening nonetheless, but not as pleasant as you would think they would be it was as if I was having a bad trip on the flu!  That being said it was horrible to think that your are at death’s door and that you see your dead mother and your ancestor beckoning you to follow the light……I don’t want to have that! As it was one of my first trippy psychedelic experiences and it  neither was pleasant at least I saw the powerful the apex predator the shark as my lead spirit animal!  That was interesting!  But the rest of the visions were not as good for. Me - at the time.  When I was lying there last year I could not handle it! But I am able to see the visions for what they were in the fist place!  The very last trippy experiences was when when my doctor prescribed shrooms to me instead of an anti depressant that was bad too!  But came up with more art than anything else!  Neither of the experiences I wanted or said yes to.  That being said I wanted to know deal with that but I know that you can not avoid these common “common” illnesses  that cause situations like being in a trippy situation!  

Write now it is very windy oh sorry the trees are contorting in the way. I’ve never seen before. This is just early in the morning. It’s very interesting and need to see that. I also will be able to do a lot of different things, but I can’t wait to get my tattoo but right now I’m just being able to see the idea that the trees are bending and it’s windy out, which unfortunately, some people would mean conjuring of fall or autumn …..something I don’t wanna have to say, but it is true that is coming up fast and furious. That being said it’s very interesting to see the trees starting to change colour even though it pissed Some people and others insane the idea that we are getting on  the edge of winter!  I do t want to thing of winter Except to say that, and this sounds out of character, but to make money shovelling snow making more money on my cleaning job that’s the only thing I like about winter is extra money. Where is in the summertime year kind of hard to find stuff that you can’t do on the fly kind of thing to make more money that being said I wish I could make more money now than I could before winter, but it’s not the case!

To tell you the truth I don’t like winter when it comes to the freezing weather and shit but it will be interesting g to get Exercise that does not involve dealing with my act or exercise. It will actually pay me some money that being said that would be a lot better than let’s say dealing with people I don’t like in the first place!  I hate some people particularly my ex I am talking about!  I don’t want to deal with special Olympics because of him!  He was doing thing that set me up for disappointment and failure. Like the last time He requested he’d be on the other team instead of being on my team and stuff like that just to get me going and stuff. It was kind of awful to be honest with you so I’d rather be spending my time making money shoveling, snow and being at peace with myself instead of dealing with a shit disturber like him!   Honestly I hope that my day goes better than the fucking night as it was horrible last night!

I really hope that the day will be better then night and morning!

August 18, 2024

I wish I had pictures of my high school years. This is the only one that was remaining to be honest with you. I never saw my yearbook until the grade flood of my childhood home and I think they may have been destroyed. That being said I’m really pissed off at the idea of that, they’re gone!   So many good positive and sometimes negative memories were there as well as that was my former of years I wish I could say my first two years on this planet was my formula of years, but I had to choose formula year for me and grade 9 to 12 was my formula for me as I was able to Find friends and stuff that being said I ended up realizing that I could not find them online which is a real bitch to be honest with you I remember slightly what I look like I kinda look like a dorky jet Lee, but other than that now I have tattoos !

Also, I have more meat on my bones. Where is when I was first starting in high school you could lift me with one hand and you didn’t have to work out in the gym that being said it was pretty sad to be honest with you that that was the case and that you were going around, feeling sorry for yourself at one minute. I didn’t want to go to drama class. I knew that as that was where I got most of the bulk of my fights if you know what I mean, there were a bunch of kids were making fun of my yakuza code of Honor, as well as the fact that they didn’t understand who I was at the time. I still don’t remember who I was at the time. I remember that there was someone on Wattpad who mentioned writing letters to yourself from the past to see if it can change the future I know you can’t time travel into the past, but if you find the pictures of the person in other words and write letters to yourself. You’re younger self there’s something about that that seems very therapeutic and I just wanna be able to see the more useful me when I was useful and I didn’t have to worry too much except for bullying, that being said, I remember being grade 9, and I got the name shōgun! That was basically where I got the name Shogun as in the Tokugawa! that being said it was because I was heavy in martial arts when I was that age and I started to pick up a few tricks with a samurai sword from video games just the basics enough cause enough damage, but I never use the actual thing. I will use a ruler and whack it over someone’s head or something to that fact if they were pissing me off or trying to hurt me that being said, I don’t believe too much in violence that’s why I give up martial arts, and the samurai sword fighting because it was violent and it was a grass of didn’t want to seem like that, and I was attracting the wrong crowd, particularly the Japanese mafia . ……. The fucking yakuza, My skills grew stronger and stuff, so did their interest and hiring me, which was kind of disturbing Because I did not want To be associated with them except with the code of honour or dress like one on Halloween other than that, I don’t really give a rats ass about that. It’s very interesting to say that!

 I find the people that do martial arts are not very good people anyway to begin with is just an opinion of mine as I dated a few of these jackasses in my time and I never really Brian Varner, who was particularly horrible to me. It was beyond high school, but still, he can pick up your insecurities and vulnerabilities. He is nothing more than daughter Triad I have met Him, but he is what he is. He is an awful human being. If there’s any good martial artist out there, he made them look really shitty, but the fact that he was abusive, he was not abusive to me, girl named Stephanie Stephi had a deal with a lot of problems herself and with the same condition I have because of my condition which is PTSD was aggravated by him  Being said I didn’t really care too much for martial arts except for cobra Kai or something to that effect I didn’t think too much of this jackass he was one that was gonna go around and start knocking you and hacking on Facebook and stuff like that, it was kind of aggravating to be honest with you ! He called him sense. Jack was pretty disgusting even though he was more of a jack shit and anything else. I didn’t think he was very much human being except for maybe a bowel movement. That being said he was human waste!  So you can tell when I was in high school and I ended up with PTSD symptoms I didn’t wanna deal with Japanese mafia and the violence stigma that the martial arts having this clown comes into my life about 20 years later. It was pretty awful to be honest with you that I had to say well I can’t handle it for one second I can’t deal with this because you’re rude. You’re to your shit. To be honest with you, I don’t really agree with the idea of doing martial arts not even for exercise. I wouldn’t do. It said I would do contortion because I am naturally flexible and more of my thing to be the freak show who I am and who I am and I am damn proud of us so if you don’t like it, you can screw off kind of thing because I’m naturally flexible and naturally strong if you don’t like it think I’m a walking freak so I’ll take that as a compliment just to piss you off, kind of thing.

But these were pretty much every day when I had a chance to text him and I’m not very happy about cyber bullying. Glad he had to be called out for what he was a woman beater, and a manipulator and psychopath. I don’t like to use the idea that I cyber bullied someone, but that person was bullying me. I know, too don’t make a right and makes the whole world blind all that stuff but it was very important that I ended up dealing with this before. It got worse to someone else now this jackass has someone else in his life and I wonder about her well-being or well-being has it not quite female or male or trans I don’t know, but I just want to say that , I wanna look out for or person, and if this person raises that they will know that they deserve better than this shit piece of crap 

That being said, I don’t know him other than he’s an asshole and he was nothing more and he actually said something that was pretty awful to me on my 34th birthday, which was that he was a terrorist so you can imagine that I was calling FBI  rcmp and all these people because I was getting pissed off right Right away if he stayed on long enough, and I had to take things into my own hands Every name under the sun that I call terrorist basically I don’t like using that term, but he said that he was worth a certain Islamic state and that made me wanna vomit. I’m sorry go down memory lane. What is that? I just don’t trust martial artist because they are sketchy people if they’re not they are very criminal and they could be criminally insane just look at Oren Ishii from Carol Bill, that would be a prime example of Machiavellian psychopathic and narcissistic piece of shit. That is a martial artist. I know some people are gonna get very angry if I say this, but this is basically my terms for martial artist is that they are just jack shit. 

Nothing really happened today except for the fact I was sleeping most of the day because of my goddamn nose last night and stuff like that I don’t like to say what I had to say about this Varner guy, but it had to be called out!

I am more see something say something kind of person. It might say someone’s life kind of person I just believe in that because of my yakuza code of honor.

August 18, 2024 a.m.

I can’t wait for September for the simple fact that I’m giving blood and then a few weeks later I’m getting a tattoo actually I can’t wait for this whole spooky season to start because it’s gonna be a good season for me. I find this season very calming for me and very relaxing! I thinking of getting a melting yin Yang ansd it to show my struggle to find balance, also this time of year I find that it is very balancing too!   The one thing I like about this time of year other then Halloween is that I am get a tattoo, but also the leaves and stargazing it is great to do to be honest I like when the night fall calms earlier because of the lighting and the lack there of!

The only thing I don’t like about that time of year is the dentist, why because that is actually painful!  I don’t think that they have good intentions when it comes dealwith you teeth!  They are out to torture you I think! 

But that is what I think about dentists!  There rest of autumn is good for me as I like to walk around and not have to worry about the cold weather just yet!  Also I find out that there is a less likely chance that anyone one will be going to backet ball from what I understand!  I dreaded the day that we would have to go to basketball because of now my ass of an ex, what is is name !  Asshole!  That being said I don’t have to worry about him as he will not be a factor in life nor a stressor that will get under my skin!  Tobe quite honest, and I don’t wish this on anyone…..but inwont be going to special Olympics for a time until he grows weary of it or his body does!  Unfortunately to say!  That is why I have to stay away because I know that he will keep triggering and pissing me off!   That was why I don’t like basketball anymore was because of his lying and cheating ways and his existence!  I would rather just avoid someone who traumatized me for the last time or I will end up doing something stupid!  I know my self too well and my history of being threatened with prisons!

If you ask me it is the rapists, killers, abusers, cheaters and liars that belong behind bars and not people like me who are trying to live and defend themselves’. It is kind of fucked up to be honest with you, that the good people get the short end of the stick and the worst of the worst swim in luck!

That just annoys me to death!

When I realized that stupidity reigns supreme and so does disrespect that was when I was in my first relationship in high school! That was a complete shit show as the guy did the same thing as asshole!  (My latest ex). I dare not keep his name in my mouth as it will piss me off more! But I cannot wait for fall it because of giving blood nor the tattoo but I belong to a book club in the library something I wanted to do for a long time and then it was shut down for the fucking summer!  I thing the parameters of the summer was to read a book of your choosing and report back on September, I found a lot of like minded people in the book club!  It isn’t like in tv were alcohol is served …..thank goodness I fucking hate anything that will utter my mind!  I have a pure way of shamanism…..not hallucinogens or alcohol to ruin my visions that come to me at night!  That being said I was interested in not drinking anything  but mio water or coffee or coffee related stuff (energy drinks). 

So I don’t touch anything stuff!

The idea drinking while at a book club like in the tv is just plain stupid as the book is the only intoxicating thing I need to deal with life and it is complications that come with it! As this was the idea of reading nit just to educate but to escape from reality in a healthy way…..that is why I read……some people drink, smoke or shoot up but I rather read(write) and play guitar!  That being said of escaping !  My friend elena was talking about a white noise app that helps you sleep so I downloaded the think and there was a companion app to to get more noise and to play DJ with the sounds I created two different mixes that are eerie and will help me and other people to sleep.

It is quite fun to be honest with you! The idea that you have all the sounds in the world is very cool and it will happened entertain and keep to my sleep! Which I have been having a great deal of difficulty with nit just because of my nose but because of the fact that I can’t sleep through the fucking night …..it is a part of my PTSD that I cannot sleep properly and that I can nit use music anymore as it is becoming a distraction for me so fuck it   Spotify will be off the menu when I put my iPad or guitar down for the night!  I can’t even listen to my own music that I produce because of the sleeping factor!  It is kind of annoying to think that even music cannot sooth the soul!  

I remeber when I was a kid no internet no Spotify or white noise so dealing with nightmares were a bitch for me to deal with!  I am sorry but how did I know end up in the mental hospital for the longest time in the nineties……it is beyond me!

I guess I had books and it was satisfying to read and then fall asleep with the book in my hand!  I remember even is a kid sleep was a bitch for me….a sign of PTSD and my brain was in denial until I was a teenager and read shake hands with the devil.   But still to this day my sleep is wish washy to me!  Sometime ps it helps and sometime I lay there completely bored and annoyed!  I never can sleep well for the simple fact that I am a light sleeper!  But then I can be heavy sleeper, light lately because of my allergies, which is like being water boarded….that ain’t fun either/ or nightmare, which sucks even more for me!

August 18, 2024 early A.m.

I have had it with this cold where I am gonna drippy nose and stuff. I know that’s TMI too much and tell, but it is what it is. I’m getting a sick and tired of waking up feeling like I’m being waterboarding by some ass only see this, my nose acting up and dripping The joy of ragweed freezer and certainly not a cold as I find that the neck down I’m feeling pretty good except for the stupid nose that is always constantly dripping and everything else. I’d like to have one night sleep with a clear nose and not have to worry about feeling like I’m being waterboarding that being said I’m afraid I’ll have a nightmare about that yet again because of It. It is kind of terrible to be honest with you that you would have to end up going around feeling waterboarding when you’re asleep why do you know you’re not gonna get waterboarding? It’s just your nose is runny to the point where it is going all over the place that being said it’s not my cup of tea to have ragweed season. yes, that’s what it is is ragweed and it is a pain in my ass to be honest with you. I don’t like it never like this. The last time ragweed was out. I ended up being tested for Covid because of the very fact that I was so stuffed up and runny nose for the whole week of the Perth fair that being said, I hate ragweed. Yes, that’s how I feel about Paul and grass pollen and anything else for that matter where you end up feeling like you just wanna sneeze or that you feel like you’re constantly being water boarded that being said I wish I wouldn’t have to use it breathe it is exactly what it is Some people think it’s cold. Some people think it is whatever but I know damn well it’s ragweed season and sand I don’t like ragweed to be honest with you by the time tomorrow comes I’m gonna be asking for a bandage drill so I can at least have some sort of breathing relief. I enjoy sneezing every time the nose has to act up and stuff a lot better in the daytime that is at night to go around sleep, I would sleep for the daytime, but I don’t try to at least the severity of these allergies. I’m gonna have to take Benadryl just to enjoy a good night sleep and not have to worry about trickling down my throat and stuff!

I really wish I was writing about something else a good dream or something of that effect but it is what it is. My nose is a pain in the ass and I can’t stand it anymore. I can only be awake. That’s the only way I can breathe in the first place is by staying awake. I can’t stay awake now because it’s like midnight and it’s driving me insane that it is constantly driving me insane and stuff like that. Why is this having to happen to me, I don’t fart. This is very fair that I have to have these bad allergies.

Actually, if I could, I would go Stargate and that is the honest truth because I do enjoy stargazing, but I don’t know how cold it is out there or how rainy it is. It’s been raining most of the summer and most of what I’m dealing with as far as trying to stargaze, I get shit And nothing else that being said it’s kind of aggravating to be able to see the big. I wanted to take a picture of the big dipper and actually see it and actually be proud of showing that particular picture off that being said that’s not the case with me instead I end up having to deal with disappointment after disappointment  in life sometimes sometimes other things!   It usually does not happen nowadays as my family or relatives I should say are out of my life, and I don’t have to deal with massive amounts of disappointment, but being able to take a picture of the big dipper would be my favourite thing to do right now and say well low-key here took a picture of that That is what I said I think it’s important to say that I look at the big dipper instead of oh well disappointed all the time with my nose or something. I’d like to be out and take a picture of the big dipper but as I said, the weather is not always on my side, whether my nose or otherwise it kind of aggravated to be truthful with you. 

These allergies I find her aggravating, especially when you’re trying to sleep and especially when you’re trying to sleep with PTSD that said it is a shit show is not fun to try to sleep and have nightmares galore and stuff. The Ford hubcap looks nice and it’s pretty interesting and so is my poster that I did a few hours ago that was pretty fun in south, but it was very interesting to To create your own poster out of another poster that being said, I’d rather this than the other poster that was actually defacing my eyes! And my morals know it was not of that major, but it was just not what I liked trying to hide a lot of these mushroom tapestries and not have to worry about them or I just colour over them and the hell with them kind of thing!

That being said, I don’t know what I’m gonna do for the rest of the night if I want to try to sleep or not or something to that effect or watch king of the hill I think it was watching something else. It was interesting. Oh yeah, Dahmer, the story of Jeffrey Dahmer Jackass is a real idiot to be honest with you is Jeffrey Dahmer who is a horrible horrible whatever you wanna call this kind of a creature oh sorry you might say serial killer but I think he’s just an asshole and human clothing and that he is pretty god-awful person to be honest with you. You can tell a lot about him because he was a psychopath he was , very quiet and everything else and was he’s a jerk to be honest with you and he is what he is. I watched this show before it was very Interesting and it is beautifully done. That big said I do a lot of interesting videos or TV shows or streaming nowadays as they called. I remember the day when I used to be able to go and rent to movie and we still go to the movie theatre but rent to A movie DVD VHS get some goddamn popcorn into us and some sodas I used to like the orange crushed still do but I never really think of these simple things until I realize well they’re gone now because of the streaming services that nothing really is as good as it seems except for the Dahmer thing or the things that cater to the older people like me not too old I am 35 years old on 36 that being said, I’d be very interested to see where this will lead to most of the old retro staff is on Tubi but as I said, it’s not as good as having the actual thing of your hand and say yeah I just rented the movie or rented. The DVD said when were those days there and they’re gone now I have one video from where there was a lot of VHS. It is called alien autopsy , I watched it before but now it’s just testament to my childhood about that. My childhood was kinda like the X-Files!

Why do I say that about my childhood basically my friends and I literally and Phil would go and watch the X-Files. We would read the X-Files VHS or anything of that nature example alien autopsy and we would Watch these things on hours on and that being said it was very interesting to find the scans and question do they really exist and stuff I actually like that part of my childhood to be honest with you to know that I did have friends now I’m just a loner who has a very few amount of people to talk to very fine. I amount of people to talk to keeps to themselves, but there was one time I had a bunch of friends who were my childhood neighbour zero very good people, and they were honestly happy to be friends with me. Where is the people in school were cringing at the thought of being friends with whatever they were gonna call me at that particular day  or because they said it was kind of horrible to deal with this car thing and that was the time ! The big said what was the worst thing these idiot kids in my school called me was a spaz out because of my PTSD and other comorbidities they called my other commodities, retardation and other horrible names and I did not like to hear. I did not enjoy being called spaz out or this other word that being said, it was kind of aggravating the kids would have the authority to know these words and call another kid out as These and not have a medical degree why would they wanna call someone that worldwide in this lifetime you cannot call someone a spaz out or a retard to be honest with you even if you have a medical degree that being said shut the fuck up you little shits!

Not gonna get into a diet tribe about how I was bullied, but you could basically get the idea that that was basically what it was got a picture of it in your mind. If you have been through this, you know what it is like to be bullied to this severity that even the teachers were, pretty much bullying and calling you stupid as that no one else should ever hear!

That being said, I kind of annoyed that people would still say that and now they’re using anatomical terms I’m not gonna say which ones but they’re very derogatory and technical terms that people call each other not to get each other nowadays, which is pretty stupid!

I remember the night before tonight or this morning I should say last night would be the better term. I remember dealing with and confronting one of my phoney friends from school and telling her that it was what it was she didn’t like it. She didn’t have to deal with me anymore because I was gonna kick her ass kind of thing, don’t usually believe in violence, but that was what the dream handed over to me at least she said what the fuck is your problem about talking Or about us in that way that being said that’s what I grabbed her hair in the dream and the rest was history. I ended up, punching her and kicking her in the face and stuff is not exactly what I wanted in a dream, but as I said, it felt satisfying because, she was riding my ass and stuff like that. It was kind of awful to be an eighth grader and heavier, schoolyard friends to be treat you like shit when they should be having back and they were attacking it any which way or form or call you stupid names or having the teachers call you stupid names. I still don’t get that to this day, but it is what it is. Some kids are pretty stupid to be honest with you that they would go around calling other  kids names pretend to be their friends and shit. That being said I will make another special childhood you won’t believe Half the shit I went through with these little shit in school and what really happened to me that really triggered these little shits. They didn’t think this happened. They thought I was crazy but Whether it happened or not, it does not give you the right to act as shit to another kid! Nor treat them differently because of this occurrence that!

I’m not gonna say exactly what had happened that caused him to be such little shit right now until I mentioned it in writing in this case I will not be mentioning this, but it has to do with something about the paranormal and it was pretty eerie. what had happened and I told them in confidence and they told the whole fucking school that being said I will let you know more about that another post! 

It was all pretty fucking ugly to be honest with you that these kids would treat you differently because of these I don’t know why I think they were more atheist and they were Catholic not that I was Catholic…… I was a nature worshipper that being said I’m not Catholic either, but I’m certainly not fucking atheist!

August 17, 2024 late P.m.

 So I had a rather interesting day. I spent most of the day either working on a course that took me most of the morning. Yes, it took me the morning instead of the whole 36 hours. It was supposed to take that being said I do have a powerful brain, but it can be a pain in the ass when you want to learn how to snowboard or skateboard and he can’t do that for a simple thing as the fact that your brain is too powerful and it’s a hot commodity !  So I did course ready to eat inspection it has to do with germs again. I don’t know why, but those little bastards seem to be very interesting as last year I went to the same site and did the thing on mould investigation again why do these little critters seem to be very interesting to me is beyond me. It must be because of my Asperger’s or something, but it is what it is, I am an eight interested in that stuff as I am also a Star Wars star, which is a witch who is interested in science as well as spirituality you’re usually a Aquarius one there’s kind of thing happens when you’re a star which there other, which is but I don’t know which one there is but I know I’m a star witch for sure!  It is very interesting to be doing these courses, but they take  a very short amount of time with me, Because of my brain, it is a very interesting thing to have inside my head. The idea of that can’t make 36 hours into one morning is very interesting indeed!  I do these courses for fun because of very interesting for me to do and it gives me something to do in case I ever want to do something else. It’s very interesting and it actually feeds my brain riches my life so I end up doing a lot of these for the fun of it instead of these other people do it for jobs or otherwise I just do it for giggles and knowledge And for the certificate that I might get that being said, I also enjoy getting the  certificate! Excluding the mould investigation I also have four other of these certificates is very interesting to see them. I found them the other day when I was organizing my room when I had pink eye!    

I still have to take the antibiotic ointment to my eyes!  But at least my eyes don’t look like a sucking saw movie or a scene from purge!

I will tell you that was the rudest. The right awakening I ever had was the idea of the pink guy and seeing what looks like oh it was pretty bad that day the fact that they look like the way God intended them to look is better than having a curse and swear in my room and not do very much except Things and stuff, but I don’t mind the creative stuff, but I don’t like cursing and  swearing!

Well, anyways, I took this course. It was very interesting. It was the same one site that did the mould investigation course! And it was equally as compelling I ended up finishing a 36 hour course within two hours or so I didn’t take too long. They should’ve said takes 36 hours to complete but it did say that I just said 36 hours. That was it. It was kind of aggravating to be honest with you that they would say that, knowing that I would whip right through it, not have a problem with the thing with the thing was it said 36 hours I ended up whipping through that one with one day obviously a fraction of that time. Very interesting and then I ended up doing some more organizing of my room as I found a very interesting clock at the side of the road yes at the side of the road it was a bunch of stuff that was marked free. I was getting my library books back to the library as the day was today that was due, so I ended up bringing the library books back  so hubcap that looked like it had numbers thought about it so it might be a clock. It would be very interesting to have in my room. That was the only thing I ever had back in my room that was not related to Shaan or creativity or books or music or whatever that being said was very interesting. See I above my bed and then I decided to deface my brother’s poster, I can go on and on about this brother and how he really tried to screw me over and stuff and piss me off and everything but I’d rather not. I’m the bigger person so that being said I just took the poster off the wall and ended up drawing on the other side of it and I wrote Fidelity Bravery integrity, and put a Barbwire frame around it. It was very interesting to see that. That was what I did. I kinda like to fiddle with my stuff and stuff like that and the frames because I’m trying to be a tattoo artist one day if I can help it that being said is very interesting to just explore different creative things that being said that was, very fun to do and I was a good fuck you too my brother! What side of this action was the fact that I needed something for my clock to hang on so I use one of the pushpins and then I ended up taking the whole poster down and then doing what I did with it writing fidelity, bravery and integrity and that would be a lot more tasteful than that being said it was not just a fuck you but also To the FBI as I care more about the FBI than I do my own brothers the FBI at least has some kind of humanity who I find and actually cares about other people!

Also, I started writing on her. My new pen name S. Nyghts Which is very interesting. It’s kind of interesting to have two Pam names and one legal names. That being said, I usually just write under the names as as well as just trying to enjoy riding, I tried to write under my legal name once, but that didn’t turn out too well let’s say you don’t use your legal name on writing unless you’re asking for trouble or you’re trying to do something is more monumental. I decided to write on her TM Tarantino, and other names like S. Nyghts! that being said, I just rather keep my legal name to myself as this is what it is what happened after I got the clock and stuff I had up falling asleep after mindfulness activity. It was supposed to be a mindfulness activity, and it turned into one of those cat apps. 

Very aggravating to tell the truth that that would happen always happens when I do these things that people tell me the do the help with my mental health. The next thing you know, I end up with a cat on my hands, and I just like to screech when I get up and say what the hell is going on those cars causing me to have these nice so I said riddle me this is this because of my pin or because of what they ended up, saying not the pink card, they thought it was because I was sleeping properly. I might drink to that to try to get as much sleep as possible ! That is why I try to use my bed for sleeping or listening to music while it allows me to sleep that being said I can’t help it if I have a nightmare or something I have kind of aggravating, but it is what it is. At least I know I’m safe in my own room for the most part unless the nightmare is realistic and it’s like OK that’s it.    Annoying have night terrors to tell the truth!

Honestly, when I saw the pile of free stuff with the sign free on there and I saw this clock I was like OK I’ll think about it after I put my books into the library dropbox and be done with it turned out ended up getting it of course, as you can tell, I had to use an extra Porsche panty Put it on my wall above my bed that being said, it was very interesting to see this Ford hubcap clock. I didn’t think of anything like that before I don’t know why some people think of better things yeah I find these things just as interesting thought of that very interesting indeed but I wish all the numbers were still on there, but at least I know what the goddamn time is and how to read a clock because of schooling when I was in elementary school and stuff like that that being said, I don’t really care if the clock is not perfect is perfect to me because I know my parents pick me up form a shit place And I was far from perfect then now I’m a lot better that being said is very interesting to see what you will find one year around this hasn’t been the first time So has decided a pitch stuff and it was in the first place maybe was losing a few numbers but still I find it aggravating that they don’t take it to the recycling centre or something to that effect as if expecting the garbage guy to take it to them!   Other than that, I’m just relaxing and I’m enjoying myself. I will be enjoying the clock when I get to bed!

August 17, 2024 early a.m.

 

Yesterday I changed the design of the tattoo to the very one which is a melting yin and yang! It is still over the Halloween variety, but I thought it was a lot more relatable than let’s say a pumpkin ghost that said, Even though we do have ghosts of the past, I find that this one was more relatable because I was always looking for balance, emotional, spiritual and mental balance because of my PTSD. The fact is melting because of my PTSD again it actually shows that I fighting Struggle like That only some people are chosen to accept that particular struggle. I’m not saying anything weird weird I’m just just saying that things happen for a reason and they may not be the reason you are in the first place, but that’s basically why things happen and I think I’ve been put on a planet to help with my journey with Friday hope and balance that being said I know I sound like someone crazy but that’s basically what it is is I wasn’t trying to like every time I get into a fight and stuff. I was never trying to get into the fight that I got into it was always someone else who was starting a fight, other people say it was not the fact that I would say stupid stuff to people or start fights with other people usually it came to me and I had no choice in the matter but other than that, I’m peaceful here would be who deals with things in a better life than you would expect !

Speaking on fighting, My flight with the pink car is almost over as I am able to go back into the group home as far as the general population is concerned because I found this very annoying to stay in my room and be bored that’s why I couldn’t do very much about the idea of writing anymore than I had to yesterday that being said, it was not interested to stay in my room. There were a few things I found in my room that We’re from yesteryear that I worked on plenty of courses last year that I did not know that being said that was something that was interesting for me I forgot that I did a mould investigation course of a couple of other healthcare relay courses that they said it was very interesting to find those. That was the only thing interesting about this whole freaking experience. What is that? I found these certificates that I did not know I had or forgot that I had should frame them my day, but I don’t have the money because I’m saving up for the tattoo. I’m saving up for blue fest next year is kind of interesting. I be able to get the tattoo, but I’m not able to get a picture frame because I don’t think of the picture frames just yet that being said I’m not too worried about the picture frames as the safe place. I’m happy in the first place but then I’m very happy about what I found yesterday. The idea that I did these courses back in the same site where I did the bow investigation and this time I’m doing the  meats that being said it’s very interesting But let’s see how it turns out in the first place it might not be one that I might continue or it might be one like the mole investigation, which would be very interesting!

I end up taking more courses with WHO for one because I found that bacteria virus is very very interesting, but I did not find them interesting enough that I would be surrounded by them and then up with pink car that said yeah that I’m not gonna mention that that’s in the past I never thought that would happen. I would end up with pink, but forget that that I was learning from things and university people would be learning was very interesting indeed as I said what are the things that if you’re a polarian star seed is that you are able to be very gifted intellectually and otherwise another sign that you might be a Polan star seed is that you’re able to so the amount of creativity and stuff that be said that is very interesting to have rest amounts of creativity to be able to do things, but I did not know. I was smart enough and takes exit people only and university would be able to take in the first place. It was kind of interesting to be honest with you last year mould investigation and then The same year last year when I ended up taking court with WHO was when I was in September I still remember having to go to basketball that months in September last year it was not as fun as it seemed actually was pretty good for self decompression and go relax, but what do you have  At the time was just begging to be broken up with that being said it was not too easy on my nerves. I try not to badmouth this fellow, but it is what it is where I end up saying well he was a jackass!  Let’s just say he ruined Special Olympics for me whether I’m able to go back to Special Olympics at any time do I really care????? Que the loading bar as I am kind of trying to think should I care about the Special Olympics go back to them? Nah! I had my time and it was not exactly easy for me as the sun. I ended up with heat stroke. Let’s put it this way. I just couldn’t get away from the Special Olympics and ball hockey to save my life. The idea that I was going insane in my head, but I couldn’t go insane with my actions was more than enough for me to want to quit!

I know this may have been upsetting this so many people that I had to go away from Special Olympics, but as I said, it was something I had to do for my old good will go back to it as I don’t know unless I see improvement or something or the guy decides to not come back to Special Olympics. I don’t think I will be going back neither because this guy was a royal Mackie alien jackass to be honest with you, he was not very nice as he was so what is that on your skin as if he did tattoos or wanted to understand tattoos he did he just wanted to poke at them because he couldn’t stand them stuff like that the fuck up your bastard ! I told him like I told one of my brothers one time the guy I have too many tattoos you don’t like tattoos you’re not the Grim Reaper. I’m gonna continue getting tattoos until it is time for me to be plucked from this earth. That being said it ain’t gonna happen other words!unless you’re the reaper, I will not stop getting tattoos unless I choose to do so myself unless you’re the grand reaper you can’t stop me. I can stop me in the first place and all the side or the Grim Reaper will decide for me either way it’s on my terms and dad. I don’t think people should be bitchy about stuff in the first place and saying well you should do this with your body when really it’s none of your fucking business. And with my ex it was the part of his business to tell me what to do with my body or how to look or anything like that I don’t know how many times he said what I saw them. What the fuck is that stuff like that I couldn’t send the same thing. Why the hell do you listen to music? Why are you such a conformist stuff like that? It was kind of aggravating to be honest with you actually was more aggravating than the guy that I had for the past two days to be honest with you or is this Jack ass!

I am getting burnt out because of my time being in the room my room alone, not being able to do very much. It’s kind of boring to be honest with you. I just wanna be able to relax with other people and talk to other people and not have to worry about the idea that, I cannot talk to other people it’s aggravating. I don’t know how many times I used WhatsApp will you get my WhatsApp I don’t think so but it is what it is. I use it. I only use it for emergency or when it comes to time when I have to self isolate because of a disease and I want to still keep a dialogue with my friends. It’s only used for my friends not jackass strangers or anything like that!

To be completely honest, I could do without this app to be honest with you unless I actually am bleeding and dying in the first place that I use it. That’s the only time I fucking use. This thing is if I’m bleeding to death in my blood and I’m dying, then I might use WhatsApp and obviously 911 that being said I don’t usually use WhatsApp and unless as I said some thing had happened that is serious or something that is going to drive me insane in the first place and I’m not able to do anything without someone that would be the only amount of people on WhatsApp and nor do I care about it!

August 16, 2024 a.m.

I keep coming up with ideas for book covers just to keep myself saying the other day being yesterday. I played the tongue drum if you’re wondering what a tongue drum is. It is a steel instrument that has tong on it. That makes that being said I’ve been playing that I might play the guitar later today but anyways that’s beside the point I ended up making a compilation album and an album on which I am waiting to hear back on. I just uploaded them yesterday. That being says very interesting to me, when you’re bored and you find ideas that be a lot more than if you were still still dealing with the normalities of life but instead I’ve been dealing with Pinkey as I have mentioned before my eye feels 90% better not the whole hundred percent, but it looks like it’s coming back to my own colour way whatever creator of the universe and vented it to be an intended to be that being said that is actually starting to be good. Science isn’t always a full of crap as I would think at least side science that is because I wouldn’t have been able to have my eye go back to the same colour without the antibiotics. I probably would’ve pluck my eye out out of aggravation because it was aggravating me yesterday at least today it’s semi aggravating. I don’t know what tomorrow is gonna bring, but at least I don’t have to get rid of the darn thing that being honest with you, it was very interesting and also interesting at the same time yesterday but the only good thing about yesterday was I caught up on my steel tongue drum and was able to try to read but I couldn’t because I said my eye was so itchy is starting to heal I remember from many tattoos that  it is that means it’s getting better when it starts to get itchy that is! that being said, I am on the right track as my eye is returning to its normal colour today which is pretty good. That being said some people still treat me like a leper, but I don’t blame him as this is kind of more contagious than goddamn Covid at times.

Today I’vebeen or at least this morning, I’ve been doing a lot of book cover design so I have this logo maker and stuff like that I can use to make more different book covers. It’s kind of interesting to see where this will go and I’ll be able to enjoy making more books with these book covers. I don’t know what the premise of the stories will be. I’m still trying to work on that serial killer one for example, but as I said, and also karate affair that one I’ve been trying to work on, but have not been able to do so because of, well it’s just a pain in the ass to deal with right now, but I will try my best to do that being said it’s very interesting to go and make these covers while I can still see the gunk around my eyes as much that being said, I enjoy making these things and then seeing what the profile of the story will be and stuff like that is kind of interesting to be honest with you to see where this will take me and where it will take my brain in all other words with my mental health and my creativity as far as writing is concerned  as I said, I do a lot of writing because I don’t have an exploding head and it would be a lot worse than a case of pink eye where it would be more aggravating to have pressure in my head and not being able to do things that I wanna do I remember one person saying that you should not deny yourself the things you like that was mentioned about the tattoo when I  decided to get it the other day that I couldn’t deny myself that without my head exploding as well being said the release of the tattoo tension was the pink eye that I ended up having which I did not expect. I have far as I’m concerned, I’m gonna be going back to writing, but it’ll be very interesting to see what I’m writing other than just this  being said what will I be able to write and what will come up with the idea? I will come up with in my own time and stuff that being said is very interesting indeed to see where I don’t judge the book or the story on the cover button in this case so I have to see what the story will be about!

I know right wholesome romances instead, I write the steamy kind of romances that people usually go for instead that being said, I do like to write about not so anatomical erotic things being that it is not as descriptive as some other people as far as the anatomy is concerned, I don’t believe that if it’s for public view, especially if it’s for adults, that anatomy should be mentioned in some cases I should not even think of that I use you forms and instead of Dealing with anatomical words or even it’s kind of aggravating that people would use these terms and make the book into regular more sexualized version of a medical textbook and you can’t read it because it’s too damn smarty I like steam and spicy that being said everything nice that is how I do it. I don’t do anatomy like oh I’m not I’m not even gonna go there with that. I don’t believe in talking about anatomy , whatever and the old whatever as well does not belong in my writing although I do make it steamy I try not to bring up the fact that anatomy is in the writing so I try to do something else. Something that’s gonna be a lot easier for everyone to swallow because a lot of people these days when they do decide to write about anatomy they use  Cuss words, which is kind of awful hearing that if you’re gonna write erotica that swearing sometimes, and unless the story calls for it does not exist in erotica writing being said I’m kind of behind on my writing and other things that I should be doing I’ve been doing a lot of kind of thing  That being said that’s kind of aggravating and on its own I just wanna get and dive deep in the story and dig deep into the characters brain and see how they take everything that the idea of writing in the first place like the character psychiatrist as well as a storyteller !

This being said, I do a lot of taking of the brain when I can about the idea of the characters. Usually, my formula is at the main character or sometimes characters have suffered some kind of trauma, and I explore that trauma without having to deal with my own directly helping myself indirectly in a way that is very interesting. I find that this is what helps with a lot of things, I was told to pick the brain of the character that the character would be telling the story through the actions and behaviours that it is important to pick the brain of their soul and stuff that was just lovemaking scenes because that’ll kill the story and stuff of my stuff does have a lot of love making stories and sometimes it doesn’t have as much defending on what the subject matter is and stuff like that that being said, I do a lot of this for fun, but also to help with my demons and stuff because when I get into the part where I pick the brain of the character and see where  The character will come from what psychiatrist will do, but without administering medication it’s kind of interesting to be honest with you to pick the brain understand the character more as well as the love part of the story and stuff. It’s very interesting. I would say more erotic romance for me instead of erotica as erotica deals with more of the anatomy stuff , anything else I find this is what helps me keep myself from going insane. Sometimes my writing is too good to the point where some people would think that it is actually the character writing the story and not me which can be aggravating at times but it is what it is . 

The idea that I’ve been more creative because I had pink eye it’s a lot better than swearing and cursing and hitting stuff not that I had stuff but you know what I mean feeling sorry for myself as that is the one main purpose has to be a Juggalo, Society will fall apart if you feel sorry for yourself and what not that being said that is what the real criminals do is feel sorry for themselves. I find it if you creative you will not feel too sorry for yourself and that you will be a lot better off let’s just I’ve been listening to the insane clown policy for about almost 20 years. That being said it’s been a long time since I first listen to the insane clown policy and I never turned back as their messages, even though the lyrics might sound violent and off putting at times so I find they have a good message that convey a lot of things like trying to have a chosen family instead of the idiots that you’re stuck with in the beginning as well as trying to be creative instead of destructive self-destructive I mean or other otherwise trying to be a contributing member of society, as well as the idea that you should be respectful and loyal to the friends you have and stuff like that it’s very important to me that this is conveyed in someway!