August 18, 2024 a.m.

I can’t wait for September for the simple fact that I’m giving blood and then a few weeks later I’m getting a tattoo actually I can’t wait for this whole spooky season to start because it’s gonna be a good season for me. I find this season very calming for me and very relaxing! I thinking of getting a melting yin Yang ansd it to show my struggle to find balance, also this time of year I find that it is very balancing too!   The one thing I like about this time of year other then Halloween is that I am get a tattoo, but also the leaves and stargazing it is great to do to be honest I like when the night fall calms earlier because of the lighting and the lack there of!

The only thing I don’t like about that time of year is the dentist, why because that is actually painful!  I don’t think that they have good intentions when it comes dealwith you teeth!  They are out to torture you I think! 

But that is what I think about dentists!  There rest of autumn is good for me as I like to walk around and not have to worry about the cold weather just yet!  Also I find out that there is a less likely chance that anyone one will be going to backet ball from what I understand!  I dreaded the day that we would have to go to basketball because of now my ass of an ex, what is is name !  Asshole!  That being said I don’t have to worry about him as he will not be a factor in life nor a stressor that will get under my skin!  Tobe quite honest, and I don’t wish this on anyone…..but inwont be going to special Olympics for a time until he grows weary of it or his body does!  Unfortunately to say!  That is why I have to stay away because I know that he will keep triggering and pissing me off!   That was why I don’t like basketball anymore was because of his lying and cheating ways and his existence!  I would rather just avoid someone who traumatized me for the last time or I will end up doing something stupid!  I know my self too well and my history of being threatened with prisons!

If you ask me it is the rapists, killers, abusers, cheaters and liars that belong behind bars and not people like me who are trying to live and defend themselves’. It is kind of fucked up to be honest with you, that the good people get the short end of the stick and the worst of the worst swim in luck!

That just annoys me to death!

When I realized that stupidity reigns supreme and so does disrespect that was when I was in my first relationship in high school! That was a complete shit show as the guy did the same thing as asshole!  (My latest ex). I dare not keep his name in my mouth as it will piss me off more! But I cannot wait for fall it because of giving blood nor the tattoo but I belong to a book club in the library something I wanted to do for a long time and then it was shut down for the fucking summer!  I thing the parameters of the summer was to read a book of your choosing and report back on September, I found a lot of like minded people in the book club!  It isn’t like in tv were alcohol is served …..thank goodness I fucking hate anything that will utter my mind!  I have a pure way of shamanism…..not hallucinogens or alcohol to ruin my visions that come to me at night!  That being said I was interested in not drinking anything  but mio water or coffee or coffee related stuff (energy drinks). 

So I don’t touch anything stuff!

The idea drinking while at a book club like in the tv is just plain stupid as the book is the only intoxicating thing I need to deal with life and it is complications that come with it! As this was the idea of reading nit just to educate but to escape from reality in a healthy way…..that is why I read……some people drink, smoke or shoot up but I rather read(write) and play guitar!  That being said of escaping !  My friend elena was talking about a white noise app that helps you sleep so I downloaded the think and there was a companion app to to get more noise and to play DJ with the sounds I created two different mixes that are eerie and will help me and other people to sleep.

It is quite fun to be honest with you! The idea that you have all the sounds in the world is very cool and it will happened entertain and keep to my sleep! Which I have been having a great deal of difficulty with nit just because of my nose but because of the fact that I can’t sleep through the fucking night …..it is a part of my PTSD that I cannot sleep properly and that I can nit use music anymore as it is becoming a distraction for me so fuck it   Spotify will be off the menu when I put my iPad or guitar down for the night!  I can’t even listen to my own music that I produce because of the sleeping factor!  It is kind of annoying to think that even music cannot sooth the soul!  

I remeber when I was a kid no internet no Spotify or white noise so dealing with nightmares were a bitch for me to deal with!  I am sorry but how did I know end up in the mental hospital for the longest time in the nineties……it is beyond me!

I guess I had books and it was satisfying to read and then fall asleep with the book in my hand!  I remember even is a kid sleep was a bitch for me….a sign of PTSD and my brain was in denial until I was a teenager and read shake hands with the devil.   But still to this day my sleep is wish washy to me!  Sometime ps it helps and sometime I lay there completely bored and annoyed!  I never can sleep well for the simple fact that I am a light sleeper!  But then I can be heavy sleeper, light lately because of my allergies, which is like being water boarded….that ain’t fun either/ or nightmare, which sucks even more for me!